If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
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I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
What a chick magnet..
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.