Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
You Might Also Like
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name