7 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.

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Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?


I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.


Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit


Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means


He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.


Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché


Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail


Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything


Kids math word-problems should be more realistic, like:

Your car is worth $3000 on a trade-in but you still owe $3700 on it. Then your “check engine” light comes on and the service department says you need a $4600 transmission.

Question: How many towels should you throw in?


Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.


The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.