@ICagbanusi

7 out of 3 people are bad at fractions.

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@robfee

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

@rickolantern

I’m NOT Superman.

What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.

@crocodilethumbs

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

@junejuly12

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.

@oopstastik

Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché

@Samzen_

Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail

@abbycohenwl

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

@RodLacroix

Kids math word-problems should be more realistic, like:

Your car is worth $3000 on a trade-in but you still owe $3700 on it. Then your “check engine” light comes on and the service department says you need a $4600 transmission.

Question: How many towels should you throw in?

@darksidesith75

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

@CauseWereGuys

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.