@mom_tho

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

You Might Also Like

@alldrolledup

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

@WheelTod

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

@SondraDeeMe

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

@ObscureGent

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

@Bwomono

My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED
Me:I love you
Mom: NOTED

Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband
Mom: NOTED

@whatdoiknow

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

@baronvonbike

Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”

@paperphotoyo

My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.

@uhhhhhoksure

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.