7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

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[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan


Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.


They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.


Back up so I can take your picture.



Keep going.

A little bit more distance.

Drop off the Earth.



[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”


[Blind Date]

Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..

Catfish: C’mon baby, we’re already here, let’s just have a drink..


You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself


I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.


Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.