@mom_tho

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

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@ArfMeasures

[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?

ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met

WIFE: It was amazing

ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan

@bingowings14

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

@jlock17

They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.

@refinedrednec

Back up so I can take your picture.

Further

More.

Keep going.

A little bit more distance.

Drop off the Earth.

Perfect.

@MyDadIsOld

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

@ComedicBust

[Blind Date]

Octopus: [confused] Your profile said you were 40 ounces..

Catfish: C’mon baby, we’re already here, let’s just have a drink..

@IntrepidDeviant

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

@KentWGraham

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

@FuckabillyRex

Fill your coffee maker with cake mix for an amazingly delicious yet entirely unexpected Thursday morning.