7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

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*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up


[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”


SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.


When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.


My mom has a habit of replying my texts with NOTED
Me:I love you

Me:Rebels have come and abducted your husband


Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face


Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?

“Shit… Was it the treason?”


My neighbor can’t understand why he just found human shit on his front porch.

I can’t understand why he would use a power saw at 5:48 am.


People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.


3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.