*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
You Might Also Like
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.