*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

You Might Also Like


If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.


[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.


ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension


I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.


My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.


Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover.

YOU don’t know.


My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter


DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.


Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!


The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…