@MommaUnfiltered

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

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@AnnietheNanny1

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

@bingowings14

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

@daemonic3

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

@MamaFizzles

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

@MAngelo505

My doctor says I should lose 10 lbs and work out more. But why? Spanx launched a men’s line.

@Vodkantots

Perhaps Charles Manson is a selfless lover.

YOU don’t know.

@offbeatoliv

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

@jordan_stratton

DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.

@3sunzzz

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

@gary_augustine

The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…