7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…