7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home


“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”


May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”


Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.


Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym


I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…


me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl


detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ



Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”