7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

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Sometimes I accidentally spill a whole bottle of wine down my throat.


me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE

her: are you serious this is mini golf

me [apologetically]: ????


3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret

“What it is, sweetie?”

3: [shouting] I POOPED!

“Do you know what a secret is?”

3: [whispering] no.


I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.


My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.


I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets


I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?


If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…