jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
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“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Louder for the tape?”
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Rhetorical is still a word, right?
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”