7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
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If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.