@MissHavisham

7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.

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@chlosephine_

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home

@david8hughes

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

@SmithWit

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

@TheHyyyype

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

@osoplain

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

@IamEveryDayPpl

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

@panmidwest

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

@TweetPotato314

detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you

me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh

victim: well he had large forearms

me: oh thank christ

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit