A lot of folks out there missing the point…
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
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Sometimes I accidentally spill a whole bottle of wine down my throat.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ????
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret
“What it is, sweetie?”
3: [shouting] I POOPED!
“Do you know what a secret is?”
3: [whispering] no.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…