7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
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I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*