7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

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The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.


Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now



1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.


I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.


When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve




Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that


Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.


woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing


I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.


I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar