7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

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11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.


Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency


When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed


“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”

~my 11yo on why she’s not afraid to fly unaccompanied


GENIE: i want infinity more bananas


GENIE: do u see how annoying that is


BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.


ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now


But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.


“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.


Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof