@theshantilly

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

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@wienerherzog

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

@JermHimselfish

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

@McInappropriate

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

@liv_thatsme

I’d tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she’s been so quiet that I don’t want to disturb her.

@sock_holliday

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

@LlamaInaTux

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

@TrainedHedonist

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

@ch000ch

woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing

@LostFelicia

I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.

@Rlpihl

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar