@theshantilly

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

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@TheAlexNevil

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

@groovyspecs

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

@LaptopShopWH

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed

@philandher96

“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”

~my 11yo on why she’s not afraid to fly unaccompanied

@jazz_inmypants

GENIE: i want infinity more bananas

BANANA SALESMAN:

GENIE: do u see how annoying that is

@ArfMeasures

BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.

Everyone turns around and stairs at me.

@rockymomax

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

@Angrea

OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.

She never even knew.

@MacAnnabella

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

@ArfMeasures

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof