11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
You Might Also Like
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
“It helps knowing that everyone else will die with me if we crash.”
~my 11yo on why she’s not afraid to fly unaccompanied
GENIE: i want infinity more bananas
GENIE: do u see how annoying that is
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
ME: hey can you spot me
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
OMG! A CUSTOMER ALMOST DIED IN FRONT OF ME TODAY!!
But then I counted to 10 and put the scissors back in the drawer.
She never even knew.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on