@MissHavisham

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

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@WineMummy

The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.

@TheLieLamaa

The only person who listens to both sides of an argument, is the next door neighbour …

@Stellacopter

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

@robfee

? Cause the players gonna play play play
The haters gonna hate hate hate
Baby Im just gonna bottle it all up & develop severe trust issues ?

@Jake_Vig

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

@bopinklady

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

@platinum2000

[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone

@That_Damn_Duck

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

@FrogAvalanche

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.