7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
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Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter