7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

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The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.


The only person who listens to both sides of an argument, is the next door neighbour …


If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.


? Cause the players gonna play play play
The haters gonna hate hate hate
Baby Im just gonna bottle it all up & develop severe trust issues ?


I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.


Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows


[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone


You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.


I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.