@TheAlexNevil

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

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@WhaJoTalkinBout

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

@_Tempo11

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

@blade_funner

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

@aecide

Killing mosquitoes by smashing them in mid-air as they fly by is so satisfying until you accidentally hit a person in the head.

@cravin4

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

@Chumpstring

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

@blaudiablogan

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

@AimeeHelene1

Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.

*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*

@DiamondLou69

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

@robdelaney

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.