7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
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My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
this is uni
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
incredible