7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
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Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman