@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

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@LeonEarlgrey

If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.

@Home_Halfway

I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.

@dorsalstream

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

@LaceyNycole

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

@InternetHippo

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

@MartinPilgrim1

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

@drinksmcgee

My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.

Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh

@oigoabuya

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..