@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

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@KylePlantEmoji

Her: did you give the dog alcohol?

Me: no, why? Is he acting weird

Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/

@psychopompis

man-ant: picnic’s over boys
ant thugs: oh no its man-ant, run!
man-ant: *shambles towards them on hind legs wearing human costume*

@werehedgehog

Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.

@BuckyIsotope

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!

Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir

@HollyMemphis

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.

@david8hughes

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

@BarryVonAwesome

Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.

So Disappointed.

@TheNYAMProject

Adult: What’s that a drawing of?

Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family

My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER