7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

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If I am farther than you in candy crush I will automatically think im smarter than you.


I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are “Halloween decorations” again.


Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?


*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.


If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.


My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking


My Dog: Holy shit, it’s a squirrel. Come here, you little bastard. I’m going to mess you up.

Also my Dog: Holy shit, it’s a burglar. Maybe if I lay on my back, he’ll rub my belly.


[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]

Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh


Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..