@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.

Me: They’re just like French fries.

7: Then give me French fries.

There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.

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@iRowlf

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

@darinlovesbacon

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

@abbycohenwl

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

@samalmightysam

I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

@RodLacroix

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

@SHOWERTHlNKING

What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?

@flashember

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

@BBQJones28

Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.

@meganamram

Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph