Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
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My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Me: How was school today?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“What would you say is your greatest strength?
I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
What if Harry Potter was dreaming for seven years because he ran headfirst into a wall at a train station?
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Shout out to the dude who’s followed and unfollowed approximately 25632 times this week.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph