7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
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Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Ion see the issue
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement