Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
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me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Botany good plants lately?
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what