7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Message from the dog groomers