7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
twitter is a journey
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity