I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
You Might Also Like
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.