7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
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I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”