7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
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Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.