7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
You Might Also Like
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.