7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.