7 y/o daughter: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course!
7 y/o: Really?
Me: Why do you think they call them “Number 2” pencils?

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“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”


I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long


Oh, you want to know if I’m a good kisser?

*puts cherry stem in mouth*

*spits out entire wicker bed and makes out with you on it*


Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.


[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread


[crumpled up paper on floor]

*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*

*leaves it*


My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.