“You know who else loved carbs? Hitler.” – excerpt from my book How To Diet Through Shame & Manipulation
7 y/o daughter: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course!
7 y/o: Really?
Me: Why do you think they call them “Number 2” pencils?
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just when I started to freak out I noticed the ghost that haunts my ensuite had written “don’t panic, you ate beets last night” with lipstick on the mirror and I am so grateful to have such a good friend
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Gwyneth Paltrow: does this smell “off” to you?
Me: how can I trust you anymore
girl: tough guys are hot
*hawk lands on my bare arm*
I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.