Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
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Happy Febuary everyone!
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Delightful if true: booby trap.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Would you wear it?
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks