I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
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*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald