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@Mr_Kapowski: 7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?
Me: You got a warrant?
@PinkBlotMom: Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they're Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he's got diabetes.
@FeelingEuphoric: My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
@papasuncle: If you watch 2016 backwards, it's a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
@UncleDuke1969: Grind me like corn, so I know it's meal.
@KeetPotato: [gets pulled over]
cop: "sir, do you know how fast you were going?"
[i've swapped places with the dog]
me: "answer the man"