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@Mr_Kapowski: 7 y/o daughter: Hey dad, can I see your phone for a minute?
Me: You got a warrant?
@TheMichaelRock: I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
@KrangTNelson: [yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
@JB4Realz: It all started when I realized that we didn't call whiskers on rodents "mouse-taches"
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o'clock.
@VerbsRProudest: I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
@ch000ch: therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn't have married this snake aren't u