Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
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Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
step 6: release the wall snake
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Jesus steals the winter solstice
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.