[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
You Might Also Like
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash