7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
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Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
U talkin 2 me?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Saw online –
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was