70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
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My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week