70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
The human personality is made of five key elements
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities