@DamienFahey

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

- @DamienFahey

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@RunOldMan

I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.

@Chhapiness

Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*

Murderer: *walks through the door*

Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME

@Nahdude83

Onions are the Russian nesting dolls of the vegetable world.

@ThugRaccoons

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

@bellicosejason

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

@IvoryGazelle

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

@BraandoCommando

Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively

Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company

@IamJackBoot

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

@GatewayHug

*Holding my newborn son*

Wife: What about Mike?

Me: Yeah that’s it, great name!

*Drops Mike*

@mattselman

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.