So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
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I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*