All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
You Might Also Like
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*