Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
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The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
This might be the funniest tweet ever
new record!
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.