I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
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I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me: Do you want a burger or a hot dog?
Her: Neither. I’m vegan.
Me: Feel free to eat as much grass as you want.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.