70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
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All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Facebook memories be like
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Hitlers gonna hitl
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Teach your children to beatbox
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I’m not average. I’m mean.