70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?

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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.

Anyway, congrats on your engagement!


My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”


*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*


An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.


*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*


Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.


Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There’s not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.


Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously


Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*