@VictorscarletJ

70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?

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@TheMichaelRock

Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?

@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

@mrjohndarby

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

@itmegreggy

Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur

me: I won’t I’m not an idiot

Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery

me: *eyes narrow*

@JeffCoen

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

@joshgondelman

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

@SarahArcherM

day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet

@Wine_Honey1

You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.

Anyways I’m at the door.