Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?
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My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
*beats a guitar hero song on expert mode*
*changes Twitter bio to “musician/songwriter”*
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There’s not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
*eats Milky Way*
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*