Why look something up on Google when you can ask the question on Facebook and let everyone know you’re an idiot?
70 yr old boss: i have the body of a fit 30 yr old.
Me: where? Buried in your rose garden?
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About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
You said No DMs, but you didn’t say anything about stopping by.
Anyways I’m at the door.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”