Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
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[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking