Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
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Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.