7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
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Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.