I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
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College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
How about now?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.