@BecksWelker

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

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@Sassafrantz

I was so surprised when he said those three little words to me: “You’re embarrassingly bad at math. This is over.”

@amandalsabrook

College is cool because you get to pick what time your classes are and then still not go

@KalvinMacleod

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

@murrman5

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

@camel_racer

*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*

@stevevsninjas

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

@brendohare

Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas

@sofarrsogud

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

@amydillon

My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.

@kyle_thatisall

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.