71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies