72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
You Might Also Like
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.