72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

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Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.


I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…

I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature


“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”


When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.


Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.


For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”


Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.


I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.


Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.