@copymama
@ChaosMuffet
my 8 year old daughter emails me a lot while I’m at work
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@ChaosMuffet
@Angibangie
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
@dadtellsjokes
I burnt My Hawaiian pizza today…
I should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
@SteveSuckington
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
@CruisinSoozan
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
@sixfootcandy
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
@FattMernandez
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
@shutupmikeginn
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
@bazecraze
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
@TheDairylandDon
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.