@pstamato

[7:30pm]
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!

[2:30am]
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million

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@ThaJawn

(Confessional)

Me: I played badminton and enjoyed it

Priest: That’s not a sin

Me: I don’t understand this religion…

@IamEveryDayPpl

What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.

What I heard: Weight loss.

*doubles dosage*

@jergarl

[At gang interview]

GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang

Me: Yep

GL: What qualities do you..

M: *Already snapping fingers

GL: You’re in

@mommy_cusses

Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.

@DEgan4Baseball

I normally stay out of political talk on social media, but this is TOO FUNNY! #TacoTrucksOnEveryCorner

@NourhanKheir

I believe in ten years, gifts for newly born baby would be a SIM card and a cell phone.

@Mellicubed

My fire alarm just went off because I took my shower. Ya, I know I’m hot when I’m naked, but come on now, let’s all just calm down.

@LittleMissAngr1

I accidentally prayed on people’s weaknesses instead of preying on them, and now they just think I’m kind.