Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
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Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.