@pstamato

[7:30pm]
Tonight I’ll actually go to bed on time and get sleep!

[2:30am]
the most money ever paid for a cow at an auction was $1.3 million

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@twylaredsun

Don’t insult me by looking into my eyes. This bra cost me $65.

@Monicann86

I wish todays youth had to endure the humiliation of having your dad pick up the landline phone and start dialing while you’re talking on it

@ArfMeasures

“Remember u don’t choose your spirit animal. It choose u”

ME: Ok great

*all the animals immediately look away & avoid eye contact with me*

@Pumpkinbabypie

I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.

@stevevsninjas

Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*

@Brianhopecomedy

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

@theshamingofjay

“Sit”
dog sits

“Down”
dog lays down on floor

“Play Dead”
dog graduates college, finds job, gets married and has kids