This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.