7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
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It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap