@WhosYourVader

75% of being a parent is yelling at your kid for doing exactly what you just did

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@nachdermas

if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming

@CulturedRuffian

[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.

Me:

@Reverend_Scott

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

@MAngelo505

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

@Henry_3k

Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.

@SondraDeeMe

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

@ilikeyouguys

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

@LlamaInaTux

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

@ClichedOut

CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified