@WhosYourVader
@nachdermas
if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming
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@nachdermas
@CulturedRuffian
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
@Reverend_Scott
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
@MAngelo505
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
@Henry_3k
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
@SondraDeeMe
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
@ilikeyouguys
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
@LlamaInaTux
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
@ClichedOut
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
@JosesLovesYou
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS