[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.