75% of being a parent is yelling at your kid for doing exactly what you just did

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if the grim reaper is any indication, the afterlife is mostly farming


[ opening mail ]

Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.

Me: What?!

Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.



[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast


FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.


Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.


I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.


You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check


Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?


Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her


CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified