I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
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It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what