Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
When someone tell me , “long time no see” i usually reply, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Her; My phones dead let me use yours
Me; (throws phone out car window) oh I must of left it at home
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]