75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
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1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Green is just blue that someone peed in
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada