My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
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[Me on a Date with my crush]
Me : Will u eat Burger??
Her : No, I’m eating light these days
Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Let’s make it weird.
Dont worry. I’ll start.
I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.
Then I remembered he’s imaginary.
So I’m good.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.
Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?