75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them

And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy

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My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.


[Me on a Date with my crush]

Me : Will u eat Burger??

Her : No, I’m eating light these days

Me : Waiter! A Burger for me and an LED bulb for this lady.


I was really pissed at my boyfriend for not calling me all day.

Then I remembered he’s imaginary.

So I’m good.


Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]


Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.


[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?