How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
You Might Also Like
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Finally a use for spoilers…
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.