Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
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I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
life so boring when you don’t got a crush to be delusional about
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Had too much to think last night
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem