76. no fighting

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Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot


I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.


If your zodiac sign is asparagus don’t even bother being my friend because I’m a caprisun and we are not compatible


I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”


life so boring when you don’t got a crush to be delusional about



The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.


Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children


My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.


Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*

Waiter: is there a problem