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Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Ape together strong
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.