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Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
He died doing what he loved: being alive
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.