78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
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Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.